Wednesday, March 19, 2008
- 8:51 AM
Just when i thought that my life was ok afterall, my dad just have to fuck up my mood. no im not disrespecting him, not my intention to do so.
i am just saying that i feel extremely sad when he starts talking about my weight and making fun of it and HE WONT FUCKING stop. it hurts a lot. i didnt think that anyone close to me could hurt me that bad.
it also makes me think that he is embarassed of my very being. like my sheer existence is a reflection on how he has failed as a parent. he failed to make his daughter pretty as others and all he produced is this fat tub of lard.
i am really hurt and confused. i always wonder if other dad does this to their daughters. do they??
my heart feels like it broke into very tiny pieces. im not exagerating. it really hurts. i cant say it enough to get my point across.
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
- 3:44 AM
like once in a blue moon i just feel like ranting and theres no wayyy i can blog into the other blogg so here i am. =)
im tired of being fat. and being criticised. and this criticising is always, ALWAYS done unconciously by people around me. fuck. it hurts to even type about it. its like im being treated as a 2nd class citizen. its like i should live off somewhere else till i get thinner. its like im not privileged enough to have what thin people have.its like a fucking HELL. thats what im living in.
and also, i realize HEY im not bad looking lor. as in altho im fat altho im not as pretty as most people but im decent looking and i take care of myself real well. i try to dress up. i try to not look sloppy. i care about my image so much sometimes i forget, GUYS DONT CARE ABOUT FUCKING FAT GIRLS.
and then, theres the attempt to be happy for those people who have found love. i mean COOOME ON. im in a shit-alone state, ur lovey dovey with ur mate and here i am suppose to FEEL for you? hell no.
fuck all this la eh. i feel so down sometimes i forget how happy feels like..
Sunday, August 26, 2007
- 8:21 AM
i know i should be thankful that i am posted to osim and its near like what to my house. but the feeling of not having holidays at all after exams is foreign to me like cockroaches being green kind of foreign.
and then there is the anticipation. to hell with it la fiza. you are going to do this in the future too sey. just pray hard to God that my supp is good enough for me to tahan her for 2andhalf months. and also my colleagues. gosh.
went out with mum and dad to get ready for my upcoming attachment months. bought shoes pants bag and some more. bet there'll be more to come soon after im settled in.
but i am more excited about celebrating my birthday with my girlies come september/october. hurrah! fondue here we come. my pay have been dissected and analyzed and divided when i am yet to even STEP into the office.
and i do not know how the hell am i going to juggle work with tuition. but i will. insyaAllah can.
im off to catch me some zzzz and get ready for osim. snort.
Friday, August 24, 2007
- 11:54 AM
i dont think anyone would view this so i'll spill.
i just saw my first ever crush cum almost-fall-in-love-with-him guy and my heart jus broke. whatever heart that was left and he never really gave me back shattered to smithereens and i felt it. just like how i felt hot tears trickle as the mouse click on to another picture of him and her sending my heart into poundings worst than that of an angered butcher.
then i saw the guy i thought currently could potentially break my heart too. but the potential turned into an actual event. saying my heart broke is not correct as im void of any feelings anymore. but i was speechless to a point of uncalled for gaping.
all i see is hurt and pain and the chain has just HAS to be broken.
who am i kidding when i say i do not need guys? they break my heart yet i still want to have an intimate thing you call relationship with this unfathomable God's creation. and i sigh damn deep.
Thursday, March 16, 2006
- 1:01 AM
i jsu got my results. tanx to najihah. im not happy wit it even tho i passed evrything.
so as a result, this blog will no longer be active. seriously. im dissapointed with myself.
i busted my ass not to get THIS kind of results.
goodbye.
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
- 12:07 AM
random-ness.
u noe, i jus feel like putting up random things and thoughts that goes thru my mind coz it all comes rushing in at 2 times d speed of light. yea i noe. like WOAH.
1) so ferst of all, these lyrics tat's extracted frm a song goes to whom it may concern (granted i dont think tat person even reads my blog.. but wth. tis is MY blog afterall). i dunno how 2 re-act wen i saw u wit another.
Do you know you made me cry
Do you know you made me die
And the thing that gets to me
Is you'll never really see
And the thing that freaks me out
Is I'll always be in doubt
2) i was thinkin bout it, i dun like ppl teasing me non-stop. so quit doing it. if u think u did it, well, wat u waitin 4?? QUIT.
3)"grey's anatomy" rawks my sawks off. oooh scandal scandal...!
4)i nid...........wat all straight girls need. the opposite sex. enuff sed.
5)im scared. till every nite i think tat im gona be comatosed jus THINKING bout it. my results are like coming out in TWO DAYS TIME.
6) Crunchie gives me extreme, and i mean EXTREME happiness. so b4 my results come out, im considering d idea of stocking up on Cadbury's Crunchie. or mayb i'll jus set up camp outside d factory.*drools*
7)meet d usual 3 fer dinner. tanx sooo much fer goin round to find all of my mum's wishlist items. *grins*
8)to all history enthusiast or to those hu realli wans 2 noe wat goes on during hitler's rule, u all shud check out d movie "the pianist" if u havent oready. its like officially my favourite movie of all time. its soo good. it taps into all of my emotions. n adrien brody's nose is bloody unsymmertrical. i swear.
9)i am missing sumting or sumone.... i jus dont know wat or who.
10) i wan shisha. period.
Friday, March 10, 2006
- 5:00 PM
whoopdeedoo.
im sooo damn beat.
just came hom from Geylang Serai temp market. dun laff. i jus accompanied my mum there ok.
but heck, d food there is jus as good. d condition is wayyyyy better than d previous. overall thumbs up. EXCEPT for d location. its like, in d middle of nowhere lar.....!!! u cum by MRT, u hav to walk a distance.
u take bus, u hav to walk a pretty damn long distance. d best thing to take?? cab lar. rite in front of d steps. (im NOT kidding).
asked by d peeps if wana go dinner. uh-uh. got loadsa loadsa chores after i cum hom frm geylang.
jana s'pose 2 cum by but cant. coz i jus came bak frm geylang n like i sed, im beat.
***********************
u noe. yesterday i saw in d newspapers showing d late Nonoi's funeral. my heart seriously goes out to the family. it reminds me of my own late niece. she was also 2 years old.
her name is Ain. jus talking bout her brings me tremendous sorrow. i noe life has to go on n i believe if i share my xperince, it shows tat i've cum to accept her brutal death.
i remember i was in Secondary 3 wen it happened. it was bout a month after hari raya. i remember playing with her. the smile of the two year old jus melts my heart. im pretty close to her. she wudnt play wit moz of my cuzzies. but she warms up to me pretty fast.
the story goes: she was going to the shop opposite her flat with her dad n little brother. wen they were about to cross back to their house tats wen d horror story begins. they were at d roadside. w/o realizing, ain was actuali off d sidewalk. d traffic flashed a greenman. it was s'pose to be safe to cross correct??
nope. there was a lorry driven by a drunkard approachin. n it didnt look like its gonna slow down anytime soon. but wen d dad realized tat d toddler was outta grip, it was too late. her body was... halfway under d lorry.
wen she was rushed to d hosp, doctors declared she was brain dead within a few hours.
from d moment i heard d news, onli God knows how i felt..
my prayers were not for anyone, not even myself, but only for her.
for 3 days we waited with bated breathe. we prepared for the worst, hoped for a miracle.
then came a phonecall at 6 in d morning from Ain' s sobbing mum. she wasnt able to speak a word. all my mum heard was: "da takde.." (no longer here...)
God loves her more n He wants her back.
i love my dear niece, Ain soo much. i miss her loads too. sumtyms wen i think bout her, i try to think onli bout d good times. because i believe tat its jus such an insult for sum1 to be remembered by their deathbed.
